Evil Parents, Cell Phones and ADHD.

I've been spending quite a bit of time as of late, wondering why people are unfriendly, particularly parents of young children. I went to the park this weekend with my kids and attempted many times to either make eye contact or to say hello to other parents. No one was biting. One 'mother' talked with me for a bit, but after an obvious stint of jealousy on behalf of the 'father', that conversation was terminated. What are these people afraid of? I'm not going to ask for their food or to have them put us up in their house. I won't even request a play-date (how bizarre is it that we as parents have to schedule play time for the kids?).

More often than not, I've had much difficulty in striking up conversation with parents at kid-oriented events or locations. I don't like to assume, but maybe the fact that most of them have a cell phone either mounted to their ear, or glued to their hands might be the give-away. What is wrong with these people that when they're spending time with their kids at the park, they must jaw away with someone on the cell phone at all times? Are these people a product of the 80s? Were they all latch-key kids who are now rebeling by ignoring their own kids? Maybe because a good portion of parents these days are what I call 'Skeletors'... These emaciated mothers in their early 40s with kids between 1 and 5. How did this happen? What magazine told these creatures that 'the thing to do' was to have kids when you were old, then diet to the point that you look like a haggard Ethiopian? Who are these old mothers who are evil, old, skinny and self-important?

Hmm. Now it seems as though I'm about to launch into an anti-yuppie/soccer-mom rant. Maybe I should. The world cannot be rid soon enough of these people. Soylent Green and Logan's Run...

No One Wants to Play

So I've been baiting these spammers with bizarre responses about being poisoned or sodomized or having organs removed, and they've stopped emailing me. I am not sure if they simply are afraid or are now plotting to take me out...

I've introduced Zintrigali the Poisoner and Mtubu the Sodomizer. They may be characters in an upcoming saga about world dominanace. We'll see. Right now I am just focused on selling my house, finalizing my new house and getting a job. This all may turn out to be fiction before the day is through. No one seems to appreciate my humor.

Organ Transplants and Works of Art

Thank you for contacting me. I am interested in your offer, and will reread this later. However, Wednesday is the day our local constables execute all the captured illegal immigrants from Africa and I am in the market for some kidneys and livers for my clients in China and the Middle East. I will contact you shortly.

Sincerely,

Simon J. Blankenforde
Transplant Alternatives, LTD.


jim harry wrote:
> JIM HARRY WORK ART INC
> Ballachulish NR Fort William
> Argyll PA394HL
> United Kingdom
> Rc:130045
> Phone number +447031840240
> FAX NUMBER +448700683926
>
> My name is JIM HARRY and I am an artist.I live in United Kingdom,with my two kids,four cats,one dog and the love of my life(my wife of 5 years). It is definitely a full house. I have been doing artwork since I was a kid(12 yrs old).That gives me about 30 years of experience. I majored in art in high school and took a few college art courses.
>
> Most of my work is done in either pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils. I have recently added designing and creating artwork on the computer.I have been selling my art works for the last 3 years and have had my work featured on trading cards, prints and in magazines.I have sold in galleries and also to private collectors from all around the world.I am always facing serious difficulties when it comes to selling my art works to Americans,they are always offering to pay with a US MONEY ORDER OR CASHIERS CHECK,which is difficult for me to cash here in United Kingdom because it will take approximately 30days to clear which will tie down my money.I am looking for a representative in the states who will be working for me as a part-time worker and i will be willing to pay 10% for every transaction,which wouldn't affect your present state of work,someone who would help me recieve payments from my customers in the states.I mean someone that is responsible and reliable,because the cost of coming to the state and getting payments is very expensive,i am working on setting up a branch in the states,so for now i need a representative in the united states who will be handling the payment aspect.
>
> These payments are in money order and they would come to you in your name, so all you need do is cash the money order deduct your percentage and wire the rest back.The only problem i have is trust but i have my way of getting anyone that gets away with our money,i mean the FBI branch in Washington gets involved if any of my employees want to play funny games so if you have bad intentions in mind then don't just try it because you will be caught with ease.It wouldn't cost you any amount to get this transaction done,you are to receive payments which will be sent to you by fedex or usps from my business patners but preferably Fedex,which would come in form of a money order then you are to cash it and send the cash to me via moneygram money transfer,all transfer fees should be deducted from the money.If you are interested,please get back to me asap to know if you are interested because Job commences the moment I open a file for you on your name and info.I believe this will be a good opportunity to make good earning this ending of this year .
> Regards,
>
> JIM HARRY
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Windows Live™ Messenger has arrived. Click here to download it for free! http://imagine-msn.com/messenger/launch80/?locale=en-gb
>
>
>
>

Mtubu the Sodomizer

A continuation of the Peter Howard spam saga...

Hello Peter,

I must warn you that we've received this email in regards to your well-being and feel that you should be aware that a contract for sodomizing has been obtained against you. Please read this email and heed this warning. We're also awaiting your payment. Please let us know when you decided to pay so I can halt the poisoning orders and also try to avert this contract for sodomy.

Here is the email we've received regarding the sodomy:

Dear Zintrigali the Poisoner,

Zintrigali the Poisoner, you are truly a great and magnificent poisoner. You are feared and respected throughout Africa and the World! I am aware that you have provided poisoning services for many of our most elite businessmen. It seems that we have similar business interests, my birthname is Robert Mtubu, however I am known throughout the world as Mtubu The Sodomizer! Perhaps you have heard of me, yes? I would imagine so, my family has been sodomizing the enemies of our clients for well over 1000 years! Alas, this is why I need to contract your Magnificence now Sir!!!! I have been retained by a wealthy and powerful business interest to locate at sodomize Peter Howard, or the person or persons claiming to be Peter Howard. I am currently very close to finding this person and I will sodomize them with great force and fanfare!!!!! Yes Zintrigali the Poisoner I am as accomplished with sodomy as you are with poisons!!!!!Several time recently though I have discovered that those who I was sent to sodomize have already been poisoned! Due to the elegance and skill involved with these poisononings, I suspected you were involved. I now find out that you may be going to poison the so called Peter Howard. I ask you out of professional courtesy to please not complete this poisoning until I have had a chance to complete my sodomy. It dishonors my family when I cannot complete a task, and I will not accept payment for sodomy I cannot provide. Please assist me in completeing my task, I will be very grateful.

Sincerely,

Mtubu The Sodomizer

Please be careful, for Mtubu is an expert in his trade and you will not be in good health after he's had his way with you. A most unfortunate occurrence it will be that you be sodomized then poisoned.

Yours truly,
Zintrigali

Spamalot

I get a lot of spam. I advertise on craigslist.org. I'm sure you've all received those emails from some half-wit in Africa requesting that you allow them to deposit 11 million dollars into your account to secure their safe passage to the US, or something bizarre like that. Well, recently I've had these goofballs now emailing me about hiring my wedding band and will pay me in money orders. I just need to tell them how much they owe me and where to send the check... I've pasted a request and my reply. I'm getting a little ahead of myself though in introducing my character Zintrigali the Poisoner. He came to life a few spams ago. Let me dig those up and I'll post them too...

peter howard wrote: (the spammer)
>
> Hello,i am Peter Howard,i just read your ad at craigslist,i will need your services for my wedding which is on the 26th of november,i am curently on vacation with my fiancee in Africa,so my office in the states will make payment available to you with money orders,if that is fine,please let me know how much you will be requesting from us.Thanks and have a lovely day ahead.
>
> Peter Howard

Hello Peter Howard,

We are requesting $157,000 for our services. Please send us a cashier's check for the amount to this address:... [my address here]

Send this payment immediately or further charges will incur. We have been in contact with your office and have notified them that we will begin the fraud, larceny and infant-buggery proceedings against you and your office as of November 10, should we not receive your payment. Please remit this payment immediately upon receiving this email to avoid further punishment. We have also contacted the tourist-tracking office in Africa and have alerted them to your presence, Peter Howard. We've explained to them the amount of money you owe us for our services and will be ready to apprehend you and your fiancee the instant we notify them that you've not made your payment. They are also instructed to hold your parents hostage in the states while we're investigating your refusal to pay what is owed to us. We've alerted the US Postal System to your fraudulent attempts to solicit our services via phony money orders. As Africa's leading-most poisoner, I am greatly feared by all businessmen in the West and in Africa. It would be in your better interest to pay what you owe and to not eat dates.

We look forward to providing our service for you.

Thank you,
Zintrigali the Poisoner.


I've not gotten a reply back from Peter although he had sent me three of the same emails within two days. It's just not fair. I replied to him...

Let me go find my other spam replies...

Plagarism and Guitar Geeks

I just read a blog I've been monitoring which has given me yet another unoriginal idea. I often get asked the same stupid questions about live performance and guitar playing, so I figured I would dispell the myths:

Because I play guitar does not mean I automatically love Eric Clapton, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Jimmy Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Eddie Van Halen, Blues, etc. (Carlos Santana is not even worth mentioning in the realm of actual guitarists)

Because I play in a cover band does not mean I know every song ever written.

I do not want you to pick up my guitar and show me that you just learned the Lemon Song.

I don't care about how you played guitar as a child and still have some junky Harmony or Gibson laying around the house.

I don't care that your cousin/brother/son/daughter/mother/father/etc has/had a band.

Because I play guitar for a living does not mean I have the desire to carry it around with me and whip it out on moments notice to perform favorites to you and your friends.

Because I am a musician does not mean that I am; desperate for work, dirty, homeless, uneducated/undereducated, live below poverty level or immoral (It is possible that I know as many or more people at your country club than you do).

Because I am a musician does not mean I must appreciate all music including garbage like Phish, Al DiMeola, Eric Johnson, Joe Satriani, Dave Matthews (most dispicable), or any cheesy smooth jazz artist.

Does this all sound caustic and offensive to you? It probably does and I apologize, but I cannot take hearing this stuff anymore. If I get followed around by another complete geek telling me about the Epiphone Les Paul copy he's got or the '71 Strat he's got locked up in a closet, or the band he was in as a kid so he 'understands and appreciates' what I doing, or how I must listen to some lost relic that the band members of Asia and Kansas both participated in recording... I will scream...

Sorry. I feel better now.

Oh one last thing that I must put in all caps...

I WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE THE SIGHS OF DISBELIEF AND EXASPERATION WHEN I AM ASKED HOW I CAN LIKE THE BEATLES AND NOT THE STONES...

Worked up into a froth

Have you ever had someone work you up to the point of near explosion, even if you've never met this person before? Is it possible? Where is the border between reality and projection? When someone can instill such fervent emotion on a deep level when they've never been physically present in your life, is this reality or a projection of a desire?

Send me money, please.

I need money. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am now $10k in debt to a credit card company and I have $1,793.00 in the bank. What am I to do? I've considered selling my spleen or staging a Great Train Robbery, but neither appeal to me. I may just start sending emails around the world explaining that my father's been killed in a car crash in Africa and I need someone I can trust to transfer $11,000,000 to their personal account until I can get on my feet again. Then we'll share the money. Apparently this is working for someone in the Ivory Coast.

Carpet Cleaning?

No one has read my posts. I'm not sure why I'm bothering to write one, but I've been inspired to write by a recent post I read to which I replied. I figured it wouldn't be fair to comment on someone else's post and not keep one up myself, allowing for the opportunity for others to post to mine. Run-on sentence? Probably.

Anyway. I've been looking into becoming a carpet cleaner. Anything has to be better than writing software. I am tired of being sedentary. I'm getting fat and weak. Add that to old and bald and you've got an awful combination.

Hopefully there is a magic pot of gold underneath someone's carpet padding. As I find out more about this bizarre, service-oriented pyramid scheme, I'll write more.

Ethiopian Shim Sham

Does anyone remember History of the World, Part 1? An eBayer has shammed me. I sold an item to someone who's claimed not to have received the item. Because of my ignorace of eBay savvy, I shipped the item sans tracking information, so I have no way to verify the delivery. I did take out insurance, but that does not seem to be good enough. Should I reveal the identity of this scammer? Probably not. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it was I that was at fault for allowing him to take advantage of me. Depressing? Not really. It was an expensive lesson.

Vacuous Retards

I've been avoiding the blogging world for sometime and naturally expect someone to tell me to continue doing so. As I read through some of these posts, the blogging community is seemingly comprised of angry weasels cloaked in proxy shouting obscenities at each other about how no one understands their position or how stupid the other is for non-concurrence. I am beginning to understand the importance of these outlets though, considering that rights and freedoms have dwindled to that of smoking at least 25 feet away from any edifice and consuming 1.42 ounces of alcohol legally before the badge of intoxication is worn. If someone pisses you off, you can no longer legally beat them up. Why not bring guns to school and blast off? Go postal perhaps? Complaisance and ignorance runs rampant in the good 'ol US and naturally the politicians are there to take advantage. I'll continue this shortly.